Older Parent Guilt

[durian]

I have lived in Asia for 19 years and simply love Asia. My dear mother is 73 and suffers from minor strokes and is becoming less and less independent. She lives with my unemployed sister who receives disability.

My dear mother lives off of Social Security and what little I send her. She also has medicare unfortunately in the States presecriptions drugs are very expensive with ot without medicare. She spends over 300 a month on needed prescriptions.

My degree (MA TESOL) is not that marketable in the States. I love being a university lecturer here. Mostly I wrestle with guilt as I have lived overseas so long and rarely go back to visit family. Now I am wrestling with the idea of moving back to the States to be nearer to them while risking unemployment or under employment, as well as the knowledge that I will be leaving something I really love?????

Can any of you share your experience with older parents and some decisions you had to wrestle with?

Also, I do not have the ind of income to place my dear mother in an assisted care facility.


A lot of you guys on this board have been through the Older Parent experience, so would like to hear your feedback.



Moderators, if this is too personal or inappropriate for this board, please remove it!

 

[Whitelightnin]

I do not think it would be a good idea for you to give up something you love doing in order to move back & take care of your mother. First, how will you support yourself? You won't be doing your mother any good if you wind up sponging off her in order to live. Second, she will not have the "little" extra that you do send now. Third, and most importantly, you will subconsciencly start blaming her for your unhappiness & will get to the point that you resent her. It is not a pretty picture. You will start snapping at her for every little thing & she will have no idea what she has done.

You should do what you can for her from where you are. Have you thought about having her come & live with you? Just an idea.

Good luck

James

 

[aussie_shark_bait]

I hope i never wish for my son to give up a job/position place he loves for me, yet as a parent i am quite willing to do that for my son ...Not a huge amount of advice from me, but perhaps her knowing that you care, love and respect her and are helping from a far means so much to her as a parent, mother, that it is enough what you are doing already.

ASB

 

[Green Mountain]

ASB

You only have one life so you have to live for yourself first. Do what you can. Can you arrange to have your mother and sister come over to Korea for a couple of months. Benefits can be forwarded to overseas.

My wife is an only child. Her mother is 96. Broke her hip. Most people would say the "end is near for her". Two months in the nursing home and the doctor pronounced her cured.

Now she is living back in her own home and loving it. She can't wait to be 100 so she can be on with Willard Scott and get her letter from the President. She would add,"Hope its not Bush!"

So we are both turning 60 this year. We have a lady come in everyday to care for the old lady. We raised our kids and now it is time for us to go. Should the old lady need us we can be reached and we will deal with it if it happens.

 

[Afraid_of_Fish]

You're a college lectuerer? I would suggest getting in touch with some colleges in the area of your family and see if there's any openings. You never know, you may get lucky. If there is then great! Go for it, move back to the states, but if there isn't I would stay where you are, she doesn't want you to be unhappy.


At any rate I would ask her how she feels about you moving back home.

Jess