Night diving is great fun - I enjoy it and I think my brother would prefer to do 100% night dives, When we are in Bonaire, it is pretty much at least one night dive per night. But it is different....
You did many things well. It sounds like a total cluster and the DM did you no favors (and I would disagree with him on many, many points). In the end, you took responsibility for your own safety and that probably helped things end as well as they did.
Still, at the risk of being harsh, let me point out a few things:
a) You seem to have been very stressed on the dive. Perhaps on the verge of panic? Getting kicked is never any fun and what you described sounds like no fun at all. But you made lots of references to frustration, anxiety, needing to be calm, feeling really crowded in, squeezed this way and that, fury, etc.
b) You must have been way stressed to have blown through 40 bars of air in 4 minutes at 15 to 20 meters (or your gauge has an issue). Again, there was no reason to be stressed at that point -- you were at 40 minutes, some ndl time left and 100 bar of air. Should you have aborted prior to the 45 minutes? What would have happened with another stressor -- leaky mask, failing light, wet breathing reg, weight belt that is too loose, etc.
c) IMHO, any diver (especially at night) should have signaling equipment. That includes something like a dive alert, spare light, sausage or even a strobe. In the end, you are responsible or you.
d) You did the right thing by taking control of your safety at the end. I might do that sooner... It is too easy to rely on a dive professional for decision making, especially if you are a newer diver.
e) Unless you are diving solo (and I often do), insist on a real dive buddy. One that you are comfortable with and can communicate with.
So, what about next time? I think you have the ability to done and enjoy and do it well. Just start by lowering the stress levels.
a) Go to an area without current. One that you have dove recently during the day.
b) Go with a small group -- even if it means hiring your own DM/boat. You seem nervous at night (common and normal) and crowds seem to really amp up your stress.
c) Make the dive slow and easy. Covering lots of ground at night really makes little sense.
d) Be sure you are well equipped including a spare light and signaling device.
e) Practice the signaling stuff. Never point your light directly at another. I use the circling of the light to get attention, then I point the light at myself and try to make clear signals.
f) Take responsibility for your dive and your plan. That includes aborting any dive you are uncomfortable with.
g) Demand a real buddy -- on this dive insist on no other distractions (doing drills, photog, etc.)
I promise it will get better.