StarrySkies
Contributor
A friend sent this earlier today and I thougth I'd share a little levity with everyone - especially as we turn out attention to yet another potential storm. :icorolley
Hurricane Preparation
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course, here's one for you. . .
Any minute now you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to a radar blob in the Atlantic Ocean and making two meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic
(2) We could all be killed
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you can do to prepare for the possibility of getting hit by "The Big One"? Well here are a few tips just for you!
HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built and
(2) It's located in Wisconsin
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and doors. There are several types of shutters:
Plywood shutters: Advantage: You make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: Advantage: These work well, once you get them all up. Disadvantage: Once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: Advantage: They're easy to use and will protect your house. Disadvantage: You will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: Advantage: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! Disadvantage: You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area - look at your driver's license. . . . if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Hurricane Supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that you don't find out are the wrong size for the flashlights until the power goes off.
Bleach. No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!
A big knife. You can strap it to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken. To placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it's vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation! Turn on your television and watch the reporters in rain slickers, stand next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
Hurricane Preparation
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course, here's one for you. . .
Any minute now you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to a radar blob in the Atlantic Ocean and making two meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic
(2) We could all be killed
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you can do to prepare for the possibility of getting hit by "The Big One"? Well here are a few tips just for you!
HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built and
(2) It's located in Wisconsin
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and doors. There are several types of shutters:
Plywood shutters: Advantage: You make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: Advantage: These work well, once you get them all up. Disadvantage: Once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: Advantage: They're easy to use and will protect your house. Disadvantage: You will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: Advantage: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! Disadvantage: You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area - look at your driver's license. . . . if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Hurricane Supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that you don't find out are the wrong size for the flashlights until the power goes off.
Bleach. No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!
A big knife. You can strap it to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken. To placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it's vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation! Turn on your television and watch the reporters in rain slickers, stand next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
