Daughter's "sweet 16" - what a lousy day!

[mstevens]

Thanks, guys and girls. It helps.

I'll tell you one thing: if you go through something like the loss of a kid and don't learn anything from it, your life is a total waste. I learned what was important. I love my work - my patients and colleagues - but work is no longer my life. My life is on the schoolbus, or on a scout campout, or sitting at home weaving. My life goes diving with me.

There is no sense in not planning for the future, but it's critical not to live in it. The only time you're certain to get is right now. That means that the time to live is now.

 

[Cacia]

My sister's baby boy died and I never know if I should acknowledge the anniversary or wait for her to talk about it.

I know that the long struggle with an illness must be unspeakably more difficult. Also, pat yourself on the back for keeping your marriage together, they say that the odds are overwhelmingly against you once you have lost a child, 90% or something like that. I also think it is important that the other child sees you happy, otherwise they are always wishing they could fix things.

 

[mstevens]

My sister's baby boy died and I never know if I should acknowledge the anniversary or wait for her to talk about it.

I can make a strong recommendation based on being both a psychiatrist who's worked with lots of bereaved parents and a parent who lost a kid: ask her what she wants you to do. You just posted what is probably the best way to frame it: "I never know if I should acknowlege the anniversary or wait for you to talk about it." There's no way she doesn't think about it anyway, so your mentioning it won't "make" her think of him. Besides, chances are that she doesn't view thinking of him as a bad thing, even though it has its sad aspects. In all likelihood she doesn't want others to forget he lived and that she loved him. His life, even though it's over, will always be part of hers. She probably wants to talk about it, but it may need to be on her terms.

We've asked both our sets of parents to leave us alone today and on the anniversary of her death. That's primarily because they end up expecting us to comfort them, and we're just not up to it. Any other days, anything goes. We'd be devastated if they acted as if our daughter had never lived.

I know that the long struggle with an illness must be unspeakably more difficult.

Well, we wish the struggle had been longer... She only lived 4 months from her resection on her first birthday until the chemo-induced agranulocytosis and thrombocytopenia and the mets killed her. I've got patients who've lost kids every way you can imagine. One had her two little girls shot in the face on their mutual birthday by her ex. One had her 81 y/o son die of Alzheimer's (she was 100). Accidents, illness, murder. None of them are easy. I don't think this is the sort of loss you can rank.

Also, pat yourself on the back for keeping your marriage together, they say that the odds are overwhelmingly against you once you have lost a child, 90% or something like that.

It probably helped that we'd already been married for 12 years when she died. That, and all our friends were shrinks.

I also think it is important that the other child sees you happy, otherwise they are always wishing they could fix things.

Yep. Michael was born after his sister died, so he never knew her. We always go to Disney World on the day she died - it's nice and otherworldly for my wife and me, and the kiddo gets to have fun. Not his fault, after all. Tonight he's on a scout campout, the first time we've been apart on her birthday since he was born. I doubt he's very happy at the moment, though: it's 38F and raining.

 

[almitywife]

i was only asking last week how a parent survives the death of their child...i know they do, they must but i cant imagine it. i wished it was something you never had to live with.....

God bless, i hope you find tomorrow is a better day for your family

 

[Cacia]

thanks for the explanation.

I'm getting ready to see her, with the rest of my family.

 

[mdb]

Today would be my daughter's 16th birthday, if she hadn't died of a brain tumor. She had her first surgery for it on her first birthday, so there never has been a particularly good one of them.

I wish I were underwater with my son and wife - deep down, I think there's something almost uniquely healing about salt water. That's especially true if it contains coral and pretty fish. Besides, nobody can talk down there. That works really well for me today.

No diving for us, though. My wife and I are too distracted to be really safe today. We'll probably sit in the library and reminisce.

My son is smart, a good diver, and amazingly nice to be around even though he's nearly a teenager. However, all he really has to do to make me happy is to live longer than I do. Ladies and gentlemen, I recommend that you count your blessings. Go hug your kids and realize that no matter how lousy your day has been, it could be enough worse that whatever crap is going on today wouldn't even register in comparison. If possible, get underwater.

Doctor: Your wise words mean a lot. You have helped more than you know. I agree that salt water and the calm womb of the sea is excellent therapy. God bless you and your family.

 

[CBulla]

Thank you for being both vulnerable and sharing this story with us and for being a teacher and sharing a way to cope with it ourselves or with relatives or friends who have this experience in their lives. Blessings to you and your family.

 

[Spady]

Thanks for sharing that. I just gave my son a big hug

Carpe Diem.

 

[BabyDuck]

i've looked off that cliff.

i can't imagine taking the plunge. ok, that's not really correct. i imagine it all the time.

i can't imagine surviving it.

thank you for sharing the story of your precious little one.

 

[liuk3]

Thank you for helping us truly remember what is important.
God bless you and your family. I am sorry for your tragedy.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best.