Am I a brat?

[devolution365]

I'm getting married in January and I don't want a shower. I hate being the center of attention and our wedding was planned as a tiny destination ceremony for just this reason. Besides, my fiance and I have been living together for like 5 years now, we have everything we could possibly need, and the people wanting to throw the shower are all retired aunts who are on fixed incomes.

It began about a month ago when my Mom called me to tell me that my cousin and aunt on my Dad's side wanted to throw me a shower. I said I didn't want one, she sympathized, and said she'd try to get me out of it. A week later she said it was on and told me to create a registry. I created one on Amazon since everyone on that side of the family has internet access and that was easiest for me. She said I needed one at a store, so I created another on Target.com -that one didn't have enough stuff on it, so I created another at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Then the whole thing fizzled out. *Whew*

A couple weeks ago my aunt on my Mom's side let it slip that they're planning a shower for me. I smiled and laughed with her and stared my Mom down. We didn't speak of it infront of my Aunt and Grandma, but I told her again later via email that I don't want a shower. Yesterday she said there's no Bed Bath & Beyond stores near her side of the family (it's 10 miles away, but thery're all scared to death to drive), so I re-registered at another store last night just to appease her. But, by the time I went to bed I was steaming. I don't want a shower. She knows I don't want it. It may be spear-headed by my Aunt (who can't make it to the wedding), but don't I have a say in this?

I asked her today if there was any way to change the plan (which, incidentally is that we're having a shower instead of celebrating Christmas -everyone bring a gift for Erica instead of for each other!!!).

Am I a brat? I know I've sent mixed messages up 'till now by going along and creating registries, etc. Do I have to just go along with the plan now or does the bride have a say as to whether there's a shower or not?

 

[J75]

Erica, it's your wedding, so I think you should tell everyone exactly how you feel. These are going to be your memories, and you should do it the way you want. That doesn't make you selfish. I think some of your family is being selfish for pushing their wishes on you, even after you've said you didn't want a shower. Perhaps offer them an alternative, like getting together for an informal dinner. This way your aunts and cousins get to see each other, but you haven't compromised your orignal statment of not wanting a shower. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[chickdiver]

No, you aren't a brat. However, please try to see this from your realtives' point of view- they are excited about your wedding, and want to help you celelbrate. Are you perhaps the first of your generation to marry? If so, that may be influincing the need to make a big "to do" about it. If you really don't want to have a shower, then perhaps yo shuld call your aunt and explain that while you appreciate the offer, it wouldn't really be proper (or necessary) as you and your fiancee have been cohabiting for a long time... yada yada yada. Suggest instead that if they want to help you celebrate, perhaps they could hostess a small "reception" or party after the wedding for family that are unable to attend.

 

[devolution365]

No, I'm not the first of this generation to marry.

I'm already planning to have a party shortly after the event. Perhaps this should be re-mentioned to the Aunt who I believe is the one that's planning this. -No one's really said who's setting this up, though. It could be my Mom!?! (She's still kinda half-pretending that this is a suprise.)

 

[The Kraken]

Old folks don't have a lot of time left. Let them enjoy what time they do have.

As my Daddy always says, "It don't take much to be nice."

You will have made their hearts happy . . . and you can always take that ugly figurine out of its package and put it on the mantle when they come to visit.

Oh, don't forget to identify the gift boxes correctly or there will be hell to pay!

Oh, and no, you're not a brat.

the K

 

[Damselfish]

I personally think if you don't want a shower they should respect your wishes.

Are you bothered more by the shower, or by the whole gift thing? Maybe you can go along with the shower and they can have a party, but do something like pick an appropriate charity and somehow spread the word that money or gifts be for that charity. Or something like that.

 

[devolution365]

Damselfish: Heh. I actually suggested the charity thing to my mom and that's when she called me a "brat" and said I was being selfish -they love me and want to do this for me, etc.

Perhaps it is selfish, but what bothers me most is the center of attention thing. I'd probably die of embarrasement if forced to play those silly shower games, put bows on my head, etc.

I'm seriously regretting the decision to get married publicly at this point -Vegas was suggested and would have been much easier. I'm enduring the ceremony for my Grandma -I'm her one of 2 grandkids and the only girl. (Note: She's not the one pushing for the shower, in fact she can probably relate to my feelings as she and my grandfather eloped.)

 

[diptera]

You're being a partial brat. There are two polite choices - either you tolerate your family making a fuss, or you elope. You and your fiance do not live on a desert island, you're part of multiple levels of communities, from your household to your extended families to your city to the nation. Being part of a community involves compromise. The non-community way of getting married, again, is elopement.

 

[BabyDuck]

close all the other registries & register on scubatoys. if they really 'want to do this for you' and not themselves, they can get stuff you want or need instead of a third toaster and fourth set of everyday dishes.

maybe that's ugly, but they're ignoring the person they're supposed to be celebrating, here. i agree with kraken that it doesn't hurt or take long to be nice, though. hey, i've got it - have the shower, put everything in the 'prize closet', and never have to buy another present for anyone ever again! regifting rules!

 

[scubagirl15]

close all the other registries & register on scubatoys. if they really 'want to do this for you' and not themselves, they can get stuff you want or need instead of a third toaster and fourth set of everyday dishes. <snip>

Bingo!

'Course, this doesn't get the poor girl out of the actual shower. I agree: the whole thing is painful...the silly games, etc. Luckily, I'm usually out diving when people invite me to showers! LOL

Good luck...maybe if you're really lucky, it won't actually get organized!