A Few Military Laughs

[Quarrior]

Here’s some funny happenings from my military days.



A KC-135 Pilot wrote the the IFF (Identify Friend or Foe) unit as inoperative when the mode was set to the OFF position. Recommended repair was R&R Pilot and the write up was cleared.



Standard policy while taxiing an aircraft at night is to turn off the nose wheel landing light so as to not blind the ground crew that is directing the pilot to the parking stub. I had on Pilot that couldn’t seem to figure that one out. He was taxiing up to me and I stopped him and pointed at the nose wheel. He turned off the light. I signaled him to proceed. He turned the light back on. I stopped him again and again signaled him about the light. This routine went on for 15 minutes. Finally, after watching the rest of my team rolling on the ground laughing, I handed my signaling wands to one of my team members and told him to have the plane hold in position. I took an intercom cord and plugged into the plane and explained to the Pilot that if he wanted to park the plane before he retired, he needed to learn how to do so without the nose wheel light. He finally got the idea and we finally got the plane parked.



One of the more pleasurable aspects of being a Crew Chief was training new Co-Pilots on how to properly perform the pre-flight walk around. We always ensured they inspected the back end of the engines explaining to them there should never be any echo heard if someone made a sound at the front of the motor. Needless to say, they had to stick their head way up in the engine exhaust to here the very quiet sound we made from the front. Consequently, they came out with a very nice black mark on the side of their face.



There is always some animosity between fighter Pilots and cargo Pilots. One of the more common jokes goes as follow:



Fighter pulls up to the tanker and gets refueled, then pulls along side the tanker.



Fighter Pilot to Tanker Pilot: Hey, want to see something cool?



Tanker Pilot: Sure.



Fighter heads out and does some rolls and spins and a few other aerobatics then comes back along the Tanker.



Fighter Pilot: Well, what did you think?



Tanker Pilot: Very impressive. Now it’s my turn. Watch this.



Fighter Pilot: Ok, but I don’t know how your going to beat that in that big hog you’re flying.



20 minutes go by and the Tanker Pilot gets back on the radio.



Tanker Pilot: Well, what did you think?



Fighter Pilot: I didn’t see anything. What did you do?



Tanker Pilot: Well, I got up, walked around, took a pee, made some coffee and heated up my lunch.



That’s enough for now. If anyone wants to see more, let me know.

 

[Dave in PA]

He He He......Here's one that I heard from an AF loadmaster:

How can you tell there is a fighter pilot at the party?

He'll tell you.

 

[Quarrior]

He He He......Here's one that I heard from an AF loadmaster:

How can you tell there is a fighter pilot at the party?

He'll tell you.

Either that or look for the guy trying to shoot down his wrist watch.

 

[pipedope]

Squids have fun too.

"Bridge, Engineering"
"Bridge"
"Nothing to worry about Captain, the flooding put out the fire!"
"????"

At the nuclear training facility in Idaho we did tricks on new officers, some would fall for it, some wouldn't.

reactor operator, "Request permission to SCRAM the reactor"
officer, "SCRAM the reactor?!?!"
RO, "SCRAM the reactor Ai ai!" CLICK
RO, "Sir, the reactor is SCRAMed."
officer, "WTF?"

------
Joining the service. a few years of your life
Getting a SPECAT clearance. your whole life examined in detail
Telling your commanding officer that he is not cleared to know. Priceless

 

[Parrothead_Diver]

My favorite was during my first week of basic training for the Army. After a classroom session my Drill Seargent comes into the room and asks; "Does anybody know how to drive a stick?" Thinking I was going to get to drive a Hummer or something I quickly volunteered. Imagine my suprise when he handed me a broom and said; "Good, then drive this stick around and clean up this mess." Needless to say I was never the first to volunteer for anything after that.

 

[miketsp]

If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't, paint it!

 

[O2BBubbleFree]

... just in case you missed it...

When I was in Air Force Basic Training we had a guy named Ware. We got in a new instructor, who didn't know anyone's name yet. During an inspection we were all supposed to be standing by our beds, but Ware was at the clinic for some reason. The instructor saw the un-manned bed, and asked the idiot next door, "Who's bed is this?" The idiot replies, "Ware, sir."
"This bed."
"Ware, sir."
"This bed right here, do you see this bed?"
"Yes, sir."
"Who's bed is it?"
"Ware, sir."
"THIS BED RIGHT HERE!!!"

This little Abbot and Costello routine went on for about 15 minutes, with the instructor getting redder and louder, and the neighbor getting more and more confused.

 

[The Kraken]

(From the "I almost blew stuff out of my nose department")

It was one of those wonderful days in Viet Nam when I didn't have to fly combat.

I went to the "3 shop" (operations) to pick up my mission for the morning.
Got my bird and crew assignment and headed out to the flight line.

The crew for this particular helicopter should have been the inspirations for the old "Mutt and Jeff" cartoon. Junior, about 5'1" was the crew chief and George, about 6'3",was the door gunner. They were, without doubt, the best crew in the unit. George, however adept he was with respect to an M-60 machinegun and a UH-1H helicopter, just wasn't too bright, especially when it came to military courtesy and bearing.

I'd drawn a wonderful mission of just flying some real-live-office type around his area of operations for a familiarization ride.

Well, we fly into Phuc Vinh and land at the log pad. The Lt. Colonel was late so we shut down.

After while the Lt. Colonel and his little stooge come striding up to the bird like Alexander the Great and is second in command.

The colonel proceeded to walk around the bird, slapping the fuselage here and there and look knowingly at all of the interesting parts.

As he comes back to the front of the bird, I notice that he's not wearing the wings of an aviator.

He crosses his hands behind his back and asks in is most imperious military voice and with his most imperious military bearing, "Well, do you think she'll make it out there and back?".

Poor George, evidently thinking that the virture of his beloved helicopter had been assaulted, responded with complete and undisguised contempt, "Hell no, Sir, we just pushed the fucl<ing thing all the way from Quan Loi!"

. . . I had to make amends, much to my regret.

 

[pipedope]

Never
Again
Volunteer
Yourself

The real trick is knowing WHEN to volunteer.

The military pays the same if you work 2 hours or 22 hours a day.