I gently glided my hands on her soft warm hands, locking my fingers in between hers as I watch her fall into a deep sleep. Tired from work and the long drive in the middle of the night we were doing to get to her mothers place. Time seemed to stand still and the road felt endless as I tightened my hold on her hand. I felt her respond slightly as she squeeze my hand a bit, the way she would usually do when I hold her hand while she sleeps. I felt all kinds of emotions rushing through my heart, sadness, happiness, delight but most of all love. I felt everything was going to be ok.
It was exactly 24 hours from the time I stood in the elevator door not knowing what to feel as the words she uttered a few seconds before was starting to travel from my ear drums up to my brain where it was just beginning to be processed. For the first time in my life I was left in a blank state of thought but filled with so much emotions that I cannot control and comprehend. It was something I never felt before and relate it to the times when I had nightmares of something falling and me trying to catch but could not, the feeling of negative helplessness, zero gravity. I looked at her trying to search for answers and at the same time wishing she would grab my hand and hug me and tell me it was going to be ok. But I saw a blank stare in her face and a look of confusion and sadness.
I never understood and never have felt the pain of losing someone until then. All the things that I use to see in movies and on TV I was actually feeling. Nothing made sense and the world seemed to have moved on and left me in a vacuum where nothing made sense.
As we drove down from her mothers place, I again sat and drove beside her as she reclined her seat while she readied herself for a nap. She slipped her hand on the edge of my seat to pin it on my thigh, the way she usually would if I was driving. She fell into sleep again as I touched her hand and brush her hair off her face. I recall just that morning at her mothers place when she was fast asleep and I was in the sofa outside the room, she screamed Baby! I woke up and rush to her side and I held her hand and touched her face, I saw the calm and peace that it brought, the slight squeeze of her hand communicated thank you. It was a comforting moment and for a brief time everything seemed ok again. As we neared the metro I asked her again if she wanted to give it just one more chance, but the calm and peace on her face went back to the confused and puzzled look she had the night before.
As I dropped her off her house I sat in her bed for the last time watching her as she moved about. My voice shook as I tried as best as I can to tell her that I understood and it was ok even though I did not and felt not. She said nothing as she went about getting ready for work glancing at me once in awhile. We went down the elevator one last time, together. I wanted to hug her really tight but did not know if she wanted that. She slides into her car and I close the door and waved a goodbye as I fought the tears and the crunching feeling on my chest. As I walked to my car she stopped and rolled down the windows and in her usual endearing way, asked for a kiss, I swallowed enough to wet a dry throat and obliged the kiss. She stared back at me not knowing what to say and as I manage a smile and a wave. I knew I had lost my buddy and best friend
It was exactly 24 hours from the time I stood in the elevator door not knowing what to feel as the words she uttered a few seconds before was starting to travel from my ear drums up to my brain where it was just beginning to be processed. For the first time in my life I was left in a blank state of thought but filled with so much emotions that I cannot control and comprehend. It was something I never felt before and relate it to the times when I had nightmares of something falling and me trying to catch but could not, the feeling of negative helplessness, zero gravity. I looked at her trying to search for answers and at the same time wishing she would grab my hand and hug me and tell me it was going to be ok. But I saw a blank stare in her face and a look of confusion and sadness.
I never understood and never have felt the pain of losing someone until then. All the things that I use to see in movies and on TV I was actually feeling. Nothing made sense and the world seemed to have moved on and left me in a vacuum where nothing made sense.
As we drove down from her mothers place, I again sat and drove beside her as she reclined her seat while she readied herself for a nap. She slipped her hand on the edge of my seat to pin it on my thigh, the way she usually would if I was driving. She fell into sleep again as I touched her hand and brush her hair off her face. I recall just that morning at her mothers place when she was fast asleep and I was in the sofa outside the room, she screamed Baby! I woke up and rush to her side and I held her hand and touched her face, I saw the calm and peace that it brought, the slight squeeze of her hand communicated thank you. It was a comforting moment and for a brief time everything seemed ok again. As we neared the metro I asked her again if she wanted to give it just one more chance, but the calm and peace on her face went back to the confused and puzzled look she had the night before.
As I dropped her off her house I sat in her bed for the last time watching her as she moved about. My voice shook as I tried as best as I can to tell her that I understood and it was ok even though I did not and felt not. She said nothing as she went about getting ready for work glancing at me once in awhile. We went down the elevator one last time, together. I wanted to hug her really tight but did not know if she wanted that. She slides into her car and I close the door and waved a goodbye as I fought the tears and the crunching feeling on my chest. As I walked to my car she stopped and rolled down the windows and in her usual endearing way, asked for a kiss, I swallowed enough to wet a dry throat and obliged the kiss. She stared back at me not knowing what to say and as I manage a smile and a wave. I knew I had lost my buddy and best friend
