Laughing Under Water....

[DiveMom1927]

Im looking for some great dive related JOKES..... keep them semi appropriate but yeah... let the good DIVE jokes role...

Here are a couple I found...

The dive boats sinking!

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman diver jumps up and exclaims:
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" .........
The Diving Officer stands up - a tall, handsome, muscular man (well it is a joke!), he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles....... and prominent six pack.
He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron this!".

Seen in the Personal Ads column

Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.



Anybody else got some good ones?

 

[DiveMom1927]

OK I found these too...

Signs that your buddy is a Star Trek Character

10) He's the only one carrying Dilithium crystals in his dive bag.

9) You want to go diving to "see some neat fish and stuff" and he wants to "boldly go where no man has gone before."

8) His dive propulsion vehicle has a cloaking device.

7) He attempts to measure the "warp signature" of passing drift divers.

6) His second stage is mounted in his cheek and he keeps insisting "resistance is futile."

5) You flash the hand signal for OK and he flashes you the signal for "Live long and prosper."

4) He configures his dive computer to emit something called a "tacheon burst".

3) His buddy is wearing a red wetsuit, doesn't talk much, and mysteriously vanishes during the dive.

2) He spends his surface interval in a futile attempt to set his speargun to stun.

1) You can't tell the difference between his fins and his ears.

Top 10 Things You Won't Hear from a Dive Operator when Booking a Trip

10. "Hey, you're the first guest since...'the accident'."

9. "Sorry, we can't take reservations 'til last week's group is found."

8. "Our boats are Reef Diver I and Reef Diver III. Reef Diver II is our first dive for the day, located in 130 feet, five miles out."

7. "We can make you a really good deal if you know something about boat engines."

6. "Don't worry about the currents, if we don't find you I'm sure Search and Rescue will."

5. "That whale shark pictured in our brochure is the only one we've seen in 20 years of diving here."

4. "No, we don't have a shark dive, but we do feature a Portuguese man o' war encounter."

3. "Can we borrow your boat?"

2. "We have a spit technician for all your anti-fogging needs."

1. "Now, we do ask that you bring your own tropical fish."

 

[tridacna]

A few members of a local BSAC club went diving off the South coast, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and Jim went back home alone and heartbroken.

The next day the club Diving Officer knocked on Jim's front door and said "I’m really sorry Jim, but I’ve got some bad news, some good news and some very good news",

Fearing the worst Jim said "Give it to me straight, what’s the bad news?"

"Well we’ve found your wife’s body" came the solemn reply,

"Oh my God" wept Jim…… after a while he said "well, what’s the good news?"

The dive officer excitedly said "You wouldn’t believe it, when we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!"

After some time Jim said "what’s the very good new then?"

The dive officer said "Well, we’re going to bring her up again tomorrow morning!"

 

[undefined]

After some time Jim said "what’s the very good new then?"

The dive officer said "Well, we’re going to bring her up again tomorrow morning!"

Too funny! (Don't let my wife know!)

 

[Jim Ernst]

Seen in the Personal Ads column

Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.


I like this one Divemom1927, this was good!!

 

[mkschefke]

These came from another forum...I don't remember which one....

HOW TO FAIL YOUR OPEN WATER TEST:

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's
WAY better".
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with
2000 pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel
brochures.


HOW TELL IF YOUR BUDDY IS NARC'D:

a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.


WHAT NOT TO SAY ON A DIVE BOAT:

a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO
VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"


HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRACTICE BETTER BOUYANCY CONTROL:

a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot
line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more
difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has
logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight
with your buddy.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BETTER DIVER THAN YOUR INSTRUCTOR WHEN:

a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as
you drag yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want
not".


HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR DIVE BUDDY ISN'T YOUR DIVE BUDDY ANYMORE:

a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat.
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his
snorkel.
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his
slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger.
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.


HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DIVE BUDDY IS EXPERIENCED:

a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth".
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat.
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen.
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run
windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water.
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla.
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then
I know it's time to surface".

 

[Paco]

What do you need to give a whale a circumcision?













Four skin divers

 

[scoobadiva]

HA!!! Good one Paco...

 

[all4scuba05]

The DIR Prayer

This is my long-hose
There are many like it, but this one is mine
It is my life
I must master it, as I must master my life
Without me, my long-hose is useless
Without my long-hose, I am useless
I must route my long-hose true
I must route it better than the stroke,
who is trying to imitate me

Before G.I., I swear this creed
My long-hose and myself are defenders of DIR
We are the masters of the strokes
We are the saviours of the strokes
So be it until there are no strokes, but only DIR
Amen


(This was Quoted from someone else.)

 

[Hickdive]

Two male instructors, one BSAC one PADI are at a diving conference.

At the interval they both head for the restrooms. When they're finished the PADI instructor heads for the wash basins, the BSAC one heads for the door.

'Hey, don't they teach you BSAC guys to wash up after you've been to the lavatory?' says the PADI Instructor

'No' replies the other, 'In the BSAC they teach us not to piss on our hands'