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BUOYANCY COMPENSATORS:
Tip 1: If your BC has been in storage during the winter, examine it carefully for nesting rodents
Tip 2: Prior to the first dive, remove any nesting rodents
Tip 3: Never drill holes in your BC to improve venting
Tip 4: Be suspicious of any BC that comes with a foot pump
Tip 5: Never use your BC as a wine skin
Maintenance: Rinse, inflate, and hang upside down to dry. Removing the diver first facilitates this procedure.
FINS:
Tip 1: Fins should stiff, yet flexible. Quality name-brand fins are best. Avoid cheap, Taiwanese cardboard knockoffs.
Tip 2: Never use a staple gun to attach loose fins.
Tip 3: Never buy fins guaranteed: "Safe for all your microwave needs"
Maintenance: Remove rusty staples and rinse in fresh water. Dry in microwave
MASKS:
Tip 1: Be suspicious of a brand that boasts: "As worn by astronauts"
Tip 2: The best masks are transparent. Avoid masks of high-impact steel
Tip 3: Never buy a mask that carries the warning label: "In case of emergency, break glass"
Tip 4: Never buy a mask that advertises: "Includes free caulking gun"
Maintenance: Rinse thoroughly in freshwater. For best results, rinse after dive
SNORKELS:
Tip 1: Discontinue use below 33 feet
Tip 2: Never buy a snorkel with a mouthpiece at each end
Tip 3: Know which way is up. A simple rule of thumb: ping-pong ball on top
Tip 4: Never substitute vise-grips for a snorkel keeper
Tip 5: Never replace the purge valve with a champagne cork
Tip 6: Never use a snorkel to mix cement
Maintenance: Keep passageways free. Remove cork, cement or any other impediment with a sharpened corkscrew
WEIGHTBELTS
Tip 1: Never substitute wood for lead to save money
Tip 2: Never buy a weightbelt whose quick release comes with a combination lock
Tip 3: Avoid buying weights that boast: "Uranium --it's heavier than lead!"
Tip 4: Total weight should not exceed that of diver
Maintenance: Minor blemishes may be removed with a blowtorch. Removing the weight belt first will often minimize discomfort.
REGULATORS:
Tip 1: For maximum performance, attach to tank
Tip 2: Be suspicious of any regulator that carries the warning label: "Avoid contact with water"
Tip 3: Never buy a regulator that comes with a cigarette attachment
Tip 4: Have the regulator serviced by professionals. Avoid places like "Bubba's Salvage and Appliance Emporium"
Tip 5: Never purchase a regulator that has carburetor attached to it, especially if it's been serviced by Bubba's Salvage and Appliance Emporium
Maintenance: Remove non-essential automobile parts and rinse in warm, fresh water
SCUBA TANKS:
Tip 1: Never rent a tank from a clown holding a dozen helium balloons
Tip 2: Never fill a tank at a gas station
Tip 3: Never buy a tank covered with muffler tape
Tip 4: Never buy a tank equipped with a detonator button
Tip 5: Check VIP dates carefully. Avoid dates with Roman numerals, or years ending in B.C.
Maintenance: Inspect exterior thoroughly for signs of corrosion. Remove muffler tape if necessary
DIVE LIGHTS:
Tip 1: Avoid dive lights that require an extension cord
Tip 2: Never buy a dive light that advises: "For day use only"
Tip 3: Be suspicious of a dive light that suggests you ground yourself before using it
Tip 4: Never buy a dive light that utilizes a wick and lighter fluid
Tip 5: Never remove the batteries to make the dive light more buoyant
Maintenance: Test the ON/OFF switch before dive. If it fails, read Tip 5
SPEARGUNS:
Tip 1: Always sight first before pulling trigger. If the point seems impossibly large, or the the grip ridiculously small, try reversing your hold on the speargun
Tip 2: Never buy a speargun equipped with a silencer
Tip 3: Never buy replacement tips that guarantee: "Able to penetrate the the hardest corals"
Tip 4: Remove any fish from the tip before attempting second shot
Cleaning: Pay someone to clean the fish, it's not worth the hassle
GAUGES:
Tip 1: Never use a tire gauge to monitor air consumption
Tip 2: Never buy a compass marked in degrees Fahrenheit
Tip 3: Never buy a depth gauge incremented in MSW (miles of seawater)
Tip 4: Never use a dive table whose no decompression limits are denoted with: ?
Tip 5: Never buy a dive watch that comes with a drain plug
Tip 6: Never use a depth gauge as a hammer. Use a rental tank instead
Maintenance: Hammers require little maintenance other than an occasional light coat of oil
UNDERWATER CAMERAS:
Tip 1: Never change film underwater
Tip 2: Never change lenses underwater
Tip 3: Never forget Tips 1 or 2
Tip 4: If you forget Tip 3, buy camera insurance
Maintenance: To prevent build-up of corrosive salts, rinse the photographer thoroughly after each dive
DIVE PROPULSION VEHICLES (DPVs):
Tip 1: Buy from a reputable SCUBA store. Be suspicious of home-made DPV's, especially if the words "Naval
Ordinance" or "MARK IV Torpedo" are stenciled on the side
Tip 2: Handholds should never be welded to the propeller
Tip 3: Be suspicious of any DPV that recommends plutonium as a power source
Maintenance: If purchased from SCUBA outlet, return to retailer for servicing. If purchased at a garage sale, carefully disassemble, using non-sparking tools. Such maintenance should be done well outside city limits
BUOYANCY COMPENSATORS:
Tip 1: If your BC has been in storage during the winter, examine it carefully for nesting rodents
Tip 2: Prior to the first dive, remove any nesting rodents
Tip 3: Never drill holes in your BC to improve venting
Tip 4: Be suspicious of any BC that comes with a foot pump
Tip 5: Never use your BC as a wine skin
Maintenance: Rinse, inflate, and hang upside down to dry. Removing the diver first facilitates this procedure.
FINS:
Tip 1: Fins should stiff, yet flexible. Quality name-brand fins are best. Avoid cheap, Taiwanese cardboard knockoffs.
Tip 2: Never use a staple gun to attach loose fins.
Tip 3: Never buy fins guaranteed: "Safe for all your microwave needs"
Maintenance: Remove rusty staples and rinse in fresh water. Dry in microwave
MASKS:
Tip 1: Be suspicious of a brand that boasts: "As worn by astronauts"
Tip 2: The best masks are transparent. Avoid masks of high-impact steel
Tip 3: Never buy a mask that carries the warning label: "In case of emergency, break glass"
Tip 4: Never buy a mask that advertises: "Includes free caulking gun"
Maintenance: Rinse thoroughly in freshwater. For best results, rinse after dive
SNORKELS:
Tip 1: Discontinue use below 33 feet
Tip 2: Never buy a snorkel with a mouthpiece at each end
Tip 3: Know which way is up. A simple rule of thumb: ping-pong ball on top
Tip 4: Never substitute vise-grips for a snorkel keeper
Tip 5: Never replace the purge valve with a champagne cork
Tip 6: Never use a snorkel to mix cement
Maintenance: Keep passageways free. Remove cork, cement or any other impediment with a sharpened corkscrew
WEIGHTBELTS
Tip 1: Never substitute wood for lead to save money
Tip 2: Never buy a weightbelt whose quick release comes with a combination lock
Tip 3: Avoid buying weights that boast: "Uranium --it's heavier than lead!"
Tip 4: Total weight should not exceed that of diver
Maintenance: Minor blemishes may be removed with a blowtorch. Removing the weight belt first will often minimize discomfort.
REGULATORS:
Tip 1: For maximum performance, attach to tank
Tip 2: Be suspicious of any regulator that carries the warning label: "Avoid contact with water"
Tip 3: Never buy a regulator that comes with a cigarette attachment
Tip 4: Have the regulator serviced by professionals. Avoid places like "Bubba's Salvage and Appliance Emporium"
Tip 5: Never purchase a regulator that has carburetor attached to it, especially if it's been serviced by Bubba's Salvage and Appliance Emporium
Maintenance: Remove non-essential automobile parts and rinse in warm, fresh water
SCUBA TANKS:
Tip 1: Never rent a tank from a clown holding a dozen helium balloons
Tip 2: Never fill a tank at a gas station
Tip 3: Never buy a tank covered with muffler tape
Tip 4: Never buy a tank equipped with a detonator button
Tip 5: Check VIP dates carefully. Avoid dates with Roman numerals, or years ending in B.C.
Maintenance: Inspect exterior thoroughly for signs of corrosion. Remove muffler tape if necessary
DIVE LIGHTS:
Tip 1: Avoid dive lights that require an extension cord
Tip 2: Never buy a dive light that advises: "For day use only"
Tip 3: Be suspicious of a dive light that suggests you ground yourself before using it
Tip 4: Never buy a dive light that utilizes a wick and lighter fluid
Tip 5: Never remove the batteries to make the dive light more buoyant
Maintenance: Test the ON/OFF switch before dive. If it fails, read Tip 5
SPEARGUNS:
Tip 1: Always sight first before pulling trigger. If the point seems impossibly large, or the the grip ridiculously small, try reversing your hold on the speargun
Tip 2: Never buy a speargun equipped with a silencer
Tip 3: Never buy replacement tips that guarantee: "Able to penetrate the the hardest corals"
Tip 4: Remove any fish from the tip before attempting second shot
Cleaning: Pay someone to clean the fish, it's not worth the hassle
GAUGES:
Tip 1: Never use a tire gauge to monitor air consumption
Tip 2: Never buy a compass marked in degrees Fahrenheit
Tip 3: Never buy a depth gauge incremented in MSW (miles of seawater)
Tip 4: Never use a dive table whose no decompression limits are denoted with: ?
Tip 5: Never buy a dive watch that comes with a drain plug
Tip 6: Never use a depth gauge as a hammer. Use a rental tank instead
Maintenance: Hammers require little maintenance other than an occasional light coat of oil
UNDERWATER CAMERAS:
Tip 1: Never change film underwater
Tip 2: Never change lenses underwater
Tip 3: Never forget Tips 1 or 2
Tip 4: If you forget Tip 3, buy camera insurance
Maintenance: To prevent build-up of corrosive salts, rinse the photographer thoroughly after each dive
DIVE PROPULSION VEHICLES (DPVs):
Tip 1: Buy from a reputable SCUBA store. Be suspicious of home-made DPV's, especially if the words "Naval
Ordinance" or "MARK IV Torpedo" are stenciled on the side
Tip 2: Handholds should never be welded to the propeller
Tip 3: Be suspicious of any DPV that recommends plutonium as a power source
Maintenance: If purchased from SCUBA outlet, return to retailer for servicing. If purchased at a garage sale, carefully disassemble, using non-sparking tools. Such maintenance should be done well outside city limits
