Christmas Tips

[Cave Diver]

This was part of the humor forum, but such good information deserves it's own thread

CHRISTMAS EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

[ScubaSam]

Very entertaining, I've seen the motto before but have never seen the 10 Christmas tips.

 

[ohmdiver]

More tips from Ohm Clause....

11. When giving a puppy for Christmas remember to put air holes on the box....
12. A 12 gauge shotgun makes neat holes in a box...
13. Remove puppy before adding holes....
14. Never under any circumstances give a puppy as a present...
15. The kids would rather play with the box...
16. Sarcasism in never a good present..

 

[Cave Diver]

More tips from Ohm Clause....

11. When giving a puppy for Christmas remember to put air holes on the box....
12. A 12 gauge shotgun makes neat holes in a box...
13. Remove puppy before adding holes....
14. Never under any circumstances give a puppy as a present...
15. The kids would rather play with the box...
16. Sarcasism in never a good present..

Is this how you got the new Av Ohm?

 

[ohmdiver]

Nope, but it keeps me in the Holiday Spirit....

 

[Docc]

Chinese present recipients may like to combine the puppy in the previous post as part of the Christmas vittles in the OP's post.

 

[ScubaSam]

Chinese present recipients may like to combine the puppy in the previous post as part of the Christmas vittles in the OP's post.

I could take offense but given I know you, I'll won't.

 

[Cave Diver]

Nope, but it keeps me in the Holiday Spirit....

 

[Cave Diver]

With the Holiday Season upon us it is important to understand how much our parties are appreciated. Please use the listing below as reference.

Gauging the level of your New Years Party

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvre smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is lots of egg-nog.

 

[Cave Diver]

Top 10 Things To Say about a Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."