Animal Related Humor

[DivingPrincessE]

Dog and Cat Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My Favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My Favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My Favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My Favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My Favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My Favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My Favorite thing!
5:30 pm – Dinner! My Favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My Favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with people! My Favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My Favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending remarks about what a “good little hunter” I am. B*stards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am convinced he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now…

 

[DivingPrincessE]

After six beers

After two glasses of wine

After two bottles of wine – shared of course

After too many margaritas

After three kamikazes

After seven rum & cokes

After one large purple haze

After three martinis

After one bottle of tequila

 

[DivingPrincessE]

Bambi and Thumper are real!

 

[AtomicScubaDiver]

You need to keep your pets off the sauce. I like the pictures of Bambi and Thumper.

 

[DiverBeth]

I liked the accuracies of the diaries.

Pictures were cute too.

 

[art-shark]

very clever, it was a good read diaries and pictures

 

[SelkieDVM]

So I'm standing in line at the grocery store the other day with a large bag of dog food when the women behind me says, "Oh, you have a dog."

I tell her no, actually I'm going back on the dog food diet.

"The dog food diet?"

"Oh yeah," I tell her, "it's great! I lost a ton of weight the last time I went on it." Seeing that several other folks in line where now interested in the conversation, I continued.

"Although I really should know better, because last time I ended up in the intensive care unit."

"Oh dear," she says, "were you poisoned by something in the food?"

"No, I was sitting in the road licking my butt when I got hit by a car."

 

[mike_s]

Earl and Bubba are at a University of Georgia football game in Sanford Stadium in Athens, Georgia

At halftime, Georgia's bulldog mascot comes out on the field, flops down on the 50 yard line and proceeds to lick himself "you know where" right there on National TV in front of everybody!

Earl says, "Would you look at that! I sure wish I could do that."

Bubba looks at him with an odd look on his face and says in a southern accent, "That dog would BITE you!"

 

[DivingPrincessE]

Earl and Bubba are at a University of Georgia football game in Sanford Stadium in Athens, Georgia

At halftime, Georgia's bulldog mascot comes out on the field, flops down on the 50 yard line and proceeds to lick himself "you know where" right there on National TV in front of everybody!

Earl says, "Would you look at that! I sure wish I could do that."

Bubba looks at him with an odd look on his face and says in a southern accent, "That dog would BITE you!"

 

[Bwatsnyc]

The dog dairies were funny. Sometimes I really do think cats think that way .