Husband & wife buddies

[art.chick]

Wow! You really show your wife how important it is to dive with her! This is one issue that my husband & I DID actually solve: the equipment carrying problem. We used to have one big bag. He thought it would be easier to have just 1 to carry. However, with 2 peoples' gear, it was HEAVY! I could pull it but not carry it, so if it needed to be lifted, he had to do it. I got so mad at all the single girls who ribbed me about trapping a man so I didn;t have to carry gear any more!!!!

When our bag was stolen, I took charge: I bought 2 smaller bags, each easily liftable by me. I bought one of those tank straps so I can carry my air like a piece of luggage. Now I can carry my share & those girls shut up!

As for packing/washing, we used to have a system: he would pack (since I worked late Fri night) & I washed gear (I did not have to go to sleep as early Sunday night.) The weak link: he tends to pack what seems inportant to him & forgets my special gear (ankle weights, lycra skin "underwear", papaya tablets, mask de-fogger). So now we each pack our own. It causes less resentment. And now I only wash my own gear since I am no longer opening a 2-person bag. Sadly, his gear will swelter in the trunk for days (can;t be good for the car, either.) NOT MY PROBLEM!

I feel that we are both equally motivated to dive, and for couples who have different enthusiasm levels, equal participation may be too much to expect, but we gals can carry our own weight when the man does not proportion all the luggage for super-macho strength. As for attitudes, I have gotten some good insights from this board. His anxiety level when diving with me just triggers my panic, & then we are a divemasters' nightmare. I hope that someday this eases up & we can have fun as buddies, but for now, my answer is to dive with other girls & let him dive with guys. My buddy & I ask the compass for directions & see pretty fish; the boys whiz off to a sand bed & act like they are immune to hypothermia. Just like on the road.ut:

 

[HDrider]

I am sure that if she did dive that we would be at different interests levels.

While I feel for you in many issues I also envy you. You have a chance to do something that I can only dream about. I so much would like to have someone that is interested in diving; someone to plan vacations to exotic places and dive. To me this would have to be a nearly perfect life. I wish I could have a life long dive partner but instead I have a partner She is very understanding and likes the beach, and does not mind going on the boat.

Keep your chin up and be thankful for what you have!

Take care
Tom

 

[art.chick]

Thanks 4 the perspective, Tom. Sometimes gratitude is the last thing I think of!!!!

 

[HDrider]

You have much to be thankful for. At least you can dive with your husband. My wife will never be able to dive with me as she’s had many ear surgeries and has to even be careful in the shower not to get water in her ears.

You will be able to surf the web, go to dive shops, travel agencies, look through magazines, and share your diving dreams about exotic trips to far away places to explore the wonders of the deep with him.

I love diving and will never be able to give it up. I often wonder what it would be like to be able to share all the beauty of diving with someone that you love. At least My wife likes the beach and even goes so far as to go out on the dive boat with me a lot of the time. But I will never be able to share the first hand excitement of having her along when tying off on a wreck and when complete looking to the side only to see a 500 pound Jewfish within arms length looking at you with the expression of what the heck do you think your doing on my wreck!

Cherish what you have and make it the life long adventure that it is!

May God bless your diving

Tom

 

[HDrider]

Sorry about the messed up replies here I am not sure what happend. Between the 2 post I hope you will be able to make some sense from them. It will be a challenge as I was barely able to and I wrote it! LOL

Have a good day!

Tom

 

[landlocked]

Sad story srkdvr.

 

[srkdvr]

:mean:
No problem, I just do what is needed to dive. My stituation is calm, I do not mind do what I have too.

Rich :mean:

 

[Tanks]

Pushing someone beyond their comfort level is a recipe for disaster. Please reconcile before your next dive. This is a sad situation. He should be more concerned than the average buddy for YOUR safety and YOUR discomfort being your husband!

It sounds like hubby has issues, you will probably need some help in resolving them and he'll want nothing of it......from my experience.

When the dive stops being fun, it's time to head for dry land. Always. Always. Always. No exceptions.

Good Luck art chick, keep your chin up.

 

[Kim]

Pushing someone beyond their comfort level is a recipe for disaster. Please reconcile before your next dive. This is a sad situation. He should be more concerned than the average buddy for YOUR safety and YOUR discomfort being your husband!

It sounds like hubby has issues, you will probably need some help in resolving them and he'll want nothing of it......from my experience.

When the dive stops being fun, it's time to head for dry land. Always. Always. Always. No exceptions.

Good Luck art chick, keep your chin up.

This is a thread from 2002!! As far as I can see art.chick is now at least an assistant instructor - and hopefully has already resolved the issues raised in this thread. She also by now has more than 800 posts on SB!

 

[dweeb]

I took basic OW with my husband.

Just a guess, it was his idea to get into diving, not yours, right?

I am a plus-size gal who is slightly less confident in life in general (partly because I have had a weight gain since we have been married, lost my job, & had some other setback.) When we dive, I am a little tentative.

Are you tentative in other areas? Based on this description, it sounds like diving isn't the only area you have confidence problems (more on this below.)

I like the sport, but won't dive under conditions that I consider "scary" ( big waves, coldER day, empty stomach, way too tired.)

Your use of the term 'scary' is problematic. It's one thing to make a rational comparison of the conditions to your abilities, it's quite another to let emotional fear be a factor in the equation. If fear is the trigger, that implies that your judgement would otherwise allow you to exceed your abilities, which isn't good. All the examples you cited are fine reasons to not dive, but adding the "scary" label indicates you could be making the right decision for the wrong reason. Do you use that word in telling your husband you don't want to dive? It sounds like he might be a whole lot more receptive to a refusal couched in cold, logical terms than one based on things being 'scary.' Remember that whole "Men are from Mars, women from Venus" thing.

He tends to shout at me when he is disappointed in my performance (ie: crawling up onto the beach instead of walking) which only makes my nervousness into agitation then terror. By the time he's done with me, I can be in tears.

OK, this speaks to problems with the relationship that go way beyond diving. His behavior is just plain unacceptable in any venue. You need to get some sort of help, be it from a therapist, clergy, whoever, and figure out why he behaves like this and why you put up with it.
From your descriptions of the two of you, I suspect he's a lot more confident, and you're a lot more passive. A lot of relationships bloom from this combination, but the problem is it breeds dependency from the passive party and, eventually, a lack of respect on the part of the confident party. At first, the more dependency of one strokes the ego of the other, but in the long run, this wears thin, and has to be replaced by something more mutual.
It's my personal opinion that the best solution is for you to become more confident and capable, thus gaining more respect from him. Before you think I'm putting it all on you, it's his job to help you do this by having faith in you, being a POSITIVE, CONSTRUCTIVE contributor to the process, and making sure you can push your personal envelope in the certain knowledge that he's on YOUR side, that he's got your back, and that, if you make a mistake or fail at something, he'll shield you from, not cause, embarrassment. Clearly, he's fulfilling his part currently.

This does not happen with other buddies, who think I'm a patient & fun diver with great navigation skills.

Isn't it amazing how we tend to be much more patient and considerate with veritable strangers than with those closest to us? The bright side is, he probably wouldn't act like this if you weren't important to him.

I need support & encouragement to build my confidence, but Anyone have answers on how to keep our mutual interest from destroying our marriage? Any psychological insight on why a guy would holler at a nervous wife in the first place?

Why? I touched on that above. He's disappointed. Most confident people are that way because they believe they are doing well - thus, they see the way they are as good, and other approaches to life as less good in proportion to how much they vary from one's own approach. Thus, your lack of confidence is something he sees as a flaw. Let's face it, we all want a perfect spouse, and anything not perfect is a less than ideal situation. Now, if all was right in the world, we'd all approach the tension between our desires and reality in a mature manner, but that's not gonna happen. So, he gets disappointed because you don't dive like he wants you to dive, and, yes, because this tends to be a limiting factor in his own diving to some extent, and he responds to the disappoinment by blaming you and then lashing out. Do you have kids? Do they ever have a tantrum? There you have it; similar response.

People say opposites attract, but for the long run, being alike is better. He initially probably liked things the way they were because it made him feel superior, and who doesn't like that?

This is all well and good, but what's the solution? You need to sit down and tell him, in a calm, non-accusatory manner, that you'd like to become more confident, but you need him to do his part. Tell him that in order for you to go diving in challenging (not "scary") conditions, you need to know that he's got your back, is on your side, and, if you don't manage a stellar performance, he'll eviscerate anyone who belittles you for it, including himself. Tell him that this will enable you to push, and thus, expand, your 'envelope' and thus become the kind of dive buddy he wants to dive with. Otherwise, it'll be the last time you dive with him. For your part you need to be firm that you won't put up with this anymore. That means the next time you go diving, as soon as it starts, you may need to be prepared to pack up your gear and drive off and let him find his own way home. Enforcing boundaries isn't always easy. If you can get his cooperation with this, once he's DEMONSTRATED his ability to offer the right support, then you should start implementing a resolution to become more capable and confident as a diver, and also in other areas. Getting in shape will do wonders for your confidence, for instance.

You also may need to lay down the law, that if he can't be more constructive and supportive of your growth as a diver, then diving shouldn't be a part of your lives. Your marriage is more important than any sport.

It appears you are an apprehensive type. This will always be a liability for you in life. Becoming more confident and capable is always daunting, but I've NEVER met anyone who regretted the effort.